


nobody wins when the family feuds

by jainasolosgirlfriend



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Fate of the Jedi Series - Aaron Allston & Troy Denning & Christie Golden
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Family Drama, Healing, Home Therapy, Introspection, Romance, Unresolved Trauma, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 02:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jainasolosgirlfriend/pseuds/jainasolosgirlfriend
Summary: Jag has an ongoing crisis; Jaina tries to help him. Countless sleepless nights, going around in circles and some mental gymnastics on Jag's part bring them to a fateful encounter with an enemy they can't just eliminate. There's no amount of discipline or training that can ever prepare for a family feud.-Character Study of Jagged Fel set during the early stages of the Fate of the Jedi Series.





	nobody wins when the family feuds

**Author's Note:**

> Whew...who knew that procrastination and stress led to doing completely different things from those already on your to do list? This is one of those. A character study, really, giving insight into one of my favourite Star Wars characters who I'd have loved to see more from his point of view. As always, Star Wars never really focuses on the little things that really matter to me, so I tried my best to bring that out.
> 
> Also, feelings feelings feelings are everywhere.
> 
> I took the title from the Jay-Z and Beyoncé song. In case you didn't know, yeah, black people like star wars ✌️.

He lay quietly in the dark, careful not to disturb the woman beside him as he thought entirely too loud. It wasn’t like his thoughts could be heard- or could they? He supposed it was possible for a Jedi to do, although she’d always assured him that she could _not_ read his mind.

Why did he fear the possibility that she could? He wasn’t at all a liar, in fact he was terrible at it, and he didn’t exactly keep secrets from her. What then could he want to keep from her? Perhaps it was the things that he’d try to keep from himself. Emotions were overwhelming and made for a poor officer. He needed to be level-headed and objective at all times. That was what his programming (was he a droid?) told him.

So, he’d push all of that to the side and focus on task after task, ensuring that he was running the Empire as efficiently as possible. But then he’d go back to his quarters at night, and his heart would ache as it had every night for almost his entire adult life. His heart ached for a lost sense of peace, whenever he allowed himself a moment to think for himself.

He turned slightly to look at her. She was fast sleep, wrapped up peacefully in the luxurious blankets that his quarters had to offer. Even in the dark, he could make out her features, and as always it tugged at his heart to see how beautiful she was. She was so vulnerable like this, something that Jaina almost never allowed herself to be, yet whenever she was with him she would let her guard down and give him the power to hurt her.

That’s what love was like; you give the other person the chance to hurt you and hoping they don’t. He wouldn’t hurt Jaina, not ever, but it still baffled him that someone like her would even give him the ability to. Did that mean he gave her the ability to hurt him? She had once before, so it was possible, but Jag was never the type to make the same mistake twice. Although he had forgiven her, and they’d long since moved on from what had happened at Q’orbi, he’d always kept her at arm’s length despite wanting to start something new again.

He’d fallen for her again, or maybe he’d never fallen out of love in the first place. Whichever one, he was still reluctant to give her full control of the reins to his heart.

But he was emotionless, wasn’t he? Take away his role as the Head of State, his not-so-ties to the Fel family name, or even his stellar record as a pilot, what was left?

Jaina stirred, sensing his internal conflict. It was hard to keep things from a Jedi, especially one who knew him so well. She blinked her eyes open, searching for him in the darkness of the room. Jag shifted onto his side, propping his head up by his arm to look down at her as her eyes met his.

“Still awake?” Jaina managed to get out. Her voice was scratchy from sleep and other activities- _H_ _a_ , Jag thought, _you wish._

He nodded slowly, “Is that a problem?”

She sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Well- yeah. I know how freakishly early you wake up.”

The corner of his mouth turned up into a small smile. “Are you worrying about me?”

He could tell even in the darkness that she was rolling her eyes at him. She liked to keep her feelings bottled up, just like he did, often choosing to appear nonchalant towards the little things that bothered her. Like the thought of him going throughout his day sleep derived.

She scoffed, diving under the blanket for cover. “No way. Your thinking is loud enough to wake me up.”

Jag held in the laugh that threatened to pour out. It was so easy to laugh with her. He wrapped his arm around her blanket-covered figure, pressing his body against hers as tight as he could. She squirmed a little, before giving her up her pretence and settling into his arms.

“Sorry,” he said honestly, “But it’s your fault.”

Jaina’s head peeked out from the top of the covers, “How?”

“You weren’t holding onto me. How do you expect me to sleep without you?”

Jaina scowled at him- her signature expression- before rolling her eyes once more. “The same way you do every other night.”

He didn’t want to tell her that he barely slept, with or without her there. It was how his body adjusted to two years stranded on the jungle planet of Tenupe. He had learned that sleeping for more than three hours at a time proved to be a fatal mistake…amongst other things that he shouldn’t think about if he wanted to fall asleep any time tonight.

Instead he hummed, pretending to think things through before resting his head on the overly fluffy pillow beside her. The bed was the most comfortable he’d ever slept in, yet that comfort was what unsettled him the most. Maybe he’d manage better in the military bunks he’d spent years in, or even the cold floor beneath them. It was just so _soft_ that he felt he’d sink right through, never to be seen again.

So, sleep just wasn’t his friend.

Jaina fell asleep again quickly. She was exhausted from a long day of her duties as a Jedi Knight. They were both lucky enough to have tonight; usually they were far too busy that they could hardly find a time convenient for them both. But even with the woman he loved sleeping soundly in his arms, Jag still struggled to find that bliss himself.

He held onto her tight and hoped his racing thoughts didn’t wake her again. He’d probably get two hours if he could quiet his mind enough, but when Jaina eventually shifted- and probably kicking him in the process- he’d wake again.

 _Oh well,_ he thought. It was just another night for him.

-

Before he ever thought of what he wanted to do in life, the only thing he cared about was getting to play with his siblings and cuddling up in bed with his mother when the day came to an end. He had no concern for decorum or being perceived as mature or grim. His overly serious father was also a military parent, meaning he didn’t live with them full-time. It was one of the things he hated as a child; hearing about the great Soontir Fel but not getting to spend as much time with him as his older siblings who were already enlisted.

His father was no stranger, but Jag had spent his earlier years closer to his mother. Then, later on, he’d ended up closer to his father as he sought guidance for the future of his military career. Jag didn’t even remember why he had chosen to go to the academy. House of Nuruodo was the military branch of the Chiss society, so it was only natural that he did, but he remembered his mother begging for at least one child not to choose that life. At that point, she’d already lost one child to the Chiss.

But he’d idolised his slain brother so much that instead of learning from his mistake he’d decided to jump into the exact same path. He’d been more fortunate than his siblings, given that he was still alive.

For him, his heritage was his whole identity. Even though he was unworthy of going by his surname, he still held his family in the highest regard. Therefore, he had to represent the Fel family name everywhere he went.

So, when the Moffs annoyed him with their scheming and plotting Jag remembered that Fels never acted in anger- or in any other emotion for that matter. It’s what made him so good at handling them; his inability to get worked out by their antics kept him from making mistakes that could lead to his downfall.

Jag checked his chrono as two moffs went head to head. Neither wanted to give up their chance to make money off the redevelopment in the Empire, so they argued endlessly over whose sector it would take place in. Normally he wouldn’t entertain their useless chatter, but he wanted the time to run out so he could better spend his time getting actual work done.

“Sir?” Lecerson, to his right, said quietly for only him to hear.

Jag’s gaze flickered to him, “Yes?”

Clearing his throat, Lecerson spoke louder for the entire council to hear, “Perhaps we should have the development occur in Borleias.”

“Absolutely not,” The first moff had protested and for the first time that evening, the other moff had agreed with him.

Jag didn’t want to give Lecerson the satisfaction, but it was a good idea. The planet had been recently acquired by the Remnant and it would be advantageous to secure their identity as a part of the Empire by encouraging development in the system. There must have been some ulterior motive for Lecerson to bring it up; maybe he had some stake in the planet’s development or perhaps he just wanted to slight his peers on the council. Whichever one, Jag would look into it.

“I like that idea. I think Borleias would be most suitable at this point in time.” Jag nodded, more to himself than to the council members. He didn’t even look towards the two disgruntled moffs who knew their place well enough to keep quiet.

Jag dismissed the meeting soon after, he had far too much work waiting for him back at his office. Negotiating a deal with the Galactic Alliance seemed to be the most time-consuming task of his recently, but he still had the weight of the entire Empire’s dealings on his shoulders. Sometimes he felt all the moffs ever did was cause trouble, not look after their sectors like they were supposed to. Almost everyday he was tending to an issue that should have been solved long before it reached to his desk.

But that was the job of a Head of State. It was hardly ever fair.

Ashik escorted him back to his office where he immediately made his way to his seat. It was already late into the evening and the office had closed before he even went to the moff council meeting, but Jag knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. Might as well get some work done.

But his mind was stuck on Borleias for some reason. Not a random reason- he knew exactly why. For his war comrades, they’d remember Borleias as a hard-fought failure. During the Yuuzhan Vong war, the planet was doomed to fall. Yet it was imperative to defend it to the last stand.

For him, he remembered it a little differently. Borleias was where fell in love.

A part of him had known long before that he liked Jaina Solo. She was a pretty girl who’d caught his attention when they met on Ithor years before Borleias, and with all that she’d seen in the time they were apart she’d matured into a serious and grim young woman. He laughed to himself at the irony; he’d criticised her for not being grim when they’d first met. Then when she’d shown up on Hapes, grief-stricken and out of control, he’d pitied her for losing her childhood innocence.

Nevertheless, he’d made excuses to see her, talk to her, and then later to be in her squadron. Of course he’d liked her, otherwise he’d have never done any of those things. But _like_ soon turned to _love_ , and he was finding himself caught up in the tangled web that was her life. It was so tangled that more than fifteen years later he was still stuck in it- and with no intention of one day becoming free.

There was something about the way she carried herself. It made him want to follow behind her and become more like her. She wasn’t afraid to show how she was feeling or to say what she was thinking. He’d grown up thinking that was how you failed in life, but Jaina managed to be just as good as he was in the cockpit and then later as a commander. Perhaps he even envied her ability to be herself and still succeed. He’d put on this persona of his long ago and he didn’t know how to take it off.

_“Don’t you want to kiss me?” Jaina asked with a teasing smirk. Yes, he wanted to kiss her, but not in the middle of the messroom of the Rebel Dream._

_Jag’s eyes darted around and was grateful to see that no one else had heard her. “No…and you shouldn’t just say things like that.”_

_Jaina’s eyes twinkled with amusement. “Yeah? Why can’t I?”_

_He did his best not to feed into her mischief. If he reacted strongly then it’d only spur on her teasing. “Because it’s not appropriate.”_

_“I guess not. I am your commanding officer.” Jaina nodded slowly, going back to spooning the bland food into her mouth. He scowled at her for a moment. Why did she just stuff her mouth like that where anyone could see her?_

_“Remember, Lieutenant, that I still outrank you.” Jag said coolly._

_“Right, right.” Jaina waved him off. “I forget sometimes.”_

_He felt a little guilty. She had only been trying to flirt, trying to make their miserable situation a little better, and he’d responded poorly. It was much easier to do this when it was just the two of them since he believed it **was** indeed inappropriate to flaunt their budding relationship in front of their colleagues. But he didn’t want her to think that he was no longer interested. They’d only just kissed a few days ago. Jaina probably just wanted to know where they stood and he was doing a terrible job so far of showing her that he wanted nothing more than to kiss her every day for as long as she’d have him._

**_Then just say that, you idiot_ ** _, he thought to himself. But that would be the human response, his Chiss training told him, always in conflict with his more human instincts_

_Jag took a deep breath. Here goes._

_“Yes, I want to kiss you,” he started. Jaina looked up from where she was halfway through another bite, her eyes widened in shock. Jag was never one to back down though, “I want to do all sorts of stuff with you.”_

_Silence._

_Finally, Jaina snorted, spitting out the gruel back into the bowl in the process. He made a face at her, again wondering why she’d eat like she was at home. But then again, this was the only home they had now._

_Jaina grabbed the napkin on the table to wipe away her mouth, embarrassed at her messiness before she was bursting into giggles. They got a few looks from a few of the people passing, but they were probably more curious as to what Jagged Fel could have said to make her laugh than interested in the possibility of a relationship between them._

_“You’re adorable,” Jaina finally said, the warmest smile plastered onto her face. Jag felt himself flush at her expression. What was he supposed to do when she looked at him like that?_

_“Public displays…I just don’t want people to see any of that,” Jag admitted. She was a Jedi, not a mind reader. If he wanted this to work, he’d have to tell her what he was thinking._

_Jaina nodded in agreement. “I can work with that. I’m not itching to show the world I’m a great kisser.”_

_Jag gave her one of his half-smiles. Jaina’s kissing still needed some work- but he wouldn’t tell her that. He’d just help her along the way until she got there. He was a little relieved she didn’t have that much experience, otherwise she’d know just how out of his depth he was at relationships, romantic and otherwise._

_Underneath the table, he moved his hand to cover hers. For now, he hoped that this would be enough._

He wasn’t as hopeless as he was in the past. He knew how to charm his way into Jaina’s heart without too much embarrassment on his part. He was still the same person, just not so scared of being seen. He had far too much spotlight these days, but he still yearned for the life of a faceless, nameless pilot.

Shaking his head, Jag turned his attention to the tax report before him. Daydreaming wouldn’t get the job done, and that was the most important thing right now. That’s what his programming said, anyway.

-

“Did you ever see yourself in this position?” The interviewer asked him. She was a beautiful, holo-ready woman who specialised in casual but personal interviews. Jag sat across from her in the plush arm chair trying his best to ignore the cameras pointed in his face. If there was anything said that he didn’t like he could always have it removed from the final cut. That was just how the Empire worked.

“Uh,” Jag paused to think. Where did he think his life would go? It couldn’t have been as high up as a Head of State. As a human, he would have never been able to lead the Chiss, so his childhood aspirations could have never gone above a general, maybe. As a child, he just wanted to be a hero like his older brother had been. As an adult, he just did what needed to be done.

When he’d taken initiative once, and thought like a human, he’d been exiled from his home and people forever. Those years of isolation on Tenupe, and then later alone in the Galaxy as a nameless individual…No, he didn’t ever think he’d be someone worth anything ever again.

“I’ve always been a leader,” Jag settled for. “So, yes, I’ve seen myself leading, but I’ve never thought of being an intergalactic leader. I was never a fan of politics.”

She nodded. “But you play it so well. There were mixed feelings when you’d taken office, but no one can deny that you’ve made an impact. A positive one if I do say so myself.”

Jag forced himself to smile. It was what any other human would have done in the face of such a compliment. “Ah, thank you. I suppose you don’t have to like the game to be a player.”

“Your ‘Victory without War’ policy is rather popular among the citizens. Polls show that they find it a perfect compromise to the Empire’s expansionist ideals while bearing in mind the new thinking of the Galaxy.”

Jag nodded. “I think this Galaxy and this Empire have seen too much unnecessary bloodshed in such a short number of years. If we want to progress and not be left behind, we must adapt to the new thinking as you put it. Wreaking havoc on other systems is certainly not the way to go about it.”

The interviewer checked her notes before she was smiling in his face again. “What about love?”

Jag blinked, “Huh?”

She chuckled softly, “I always find it amusing how many like yourself can answer so confidently about their work and then blanch at questions about love.”

He nodded slowly, “What about love?”

“Well, it’s an often-neglected aspect of our lives. Many citizens, although they agree with your policy, have trouble identifying with you personally. Perhaps if they knew your thoughts on matters like love, they’d see that you’re more like them than meets the eye.”

 _Am I?_ Jag didn’t know. He didn’t think it was anyone’s business what he thought about love. It didn’t make a difference in his work, anyway. But a part of politics was his image, and he needed to maintain a good one if he wanted the freedom to carry out his duty.

Jag scratched at his cheek nervously, his hand then falling to fiddle with his collar. “Love is…love is-”

He had to stop to think. He’d have to dig deeper to answer honestly.

“Have you ever given up on a dream? Stopped doing your favourite thing, just because someone asked you to?” He asked instead.

The interviewer looked taken aback. “Yes…all the time whenever my daughter needs something.”

Jag smiled slightly. “It’s kind of like that. I don’t really know how else to describe it. I’m not sure what’s my favourite thing or if I have any personal dreams anymore. I have a duty to the Empire to uphold.”

“You’re saying you’re in love with the Empire,” The interviewer concluded- and the answer was no. His head was in the Empire, but his heart certainly wasn’t. He was trying to say that love made him want to abandon his duty to the Empire, not that he’d love the Empire enough to abandon everything else.

But he didn’t have much else. What would he do if not this?

Jag shook his head. “Something as important as my job will always come before love. In fact, if I’m doing my job properly I should be doing it with love.”

It probably didn’t make much sense, but the interviewer ate it up. He’d have to ask Ashik later if it should be taken out of aired version, his Chiss assistant would be able to provide the most objective point of view.

He was happy to wrap up the interview. These kinds of things made him uncomfortable, being asked so directly for his personal thoughts and feelings.

By becoming a Head of State, he’d imagined that he’d have to shed his human subjectivity, or whatever of it remained, not embrace it for carefully managed interviews and publicity.

Sighing, Jag remained seated on the set until they’d mostly packed up. The interviewer had given him a hurried handshake before rushing off to pick up the daughter she’d previously discussed from a dance practice. That was foreign concept to Jag. Were those the things parents did?

Ashik was by his side before he could think too hard about it, handing him a datapad with the next order of business. Before long, he’d forgotten the interview even happened.

-

It was a nice day out. The sun shone brightly from its great distance away from Coruscant, but there was enough of a draft to ensure that it wasn’t too hot. He was glad he chose today of all days to have lunch in the gardens with his in-laws.

They weren’t really his in-laws; not yet, at least. Jag hoped that he could convince them to be an official member of the Solo family one day and not just a boyfriend they sort of liked. He didn’t know when that became something important to him. Maybe it was when he’d lost his own family he’d developed a yearning to find that kind of love again. Or maybe it was when he’d found Han and Leia on Hapes all those years ago to warn them about Alema Rar. There was a warmth in their interaction, even if the conversation wasn’t too friendly.

Jag didn’t know what home was supposed to feel like, but the Solos felt like the closest thing to it.

“Apparently,” Jaina was saying, seated to his left at the round table that was set up for the afternoon, “Jag doesn’t really love me.”

Her father made a face before huffing, “Is that what he’s saying now? That Imperial gig must be getting to his head.”

Jag cleared his throat nervously. “You’re referring to the interview I did?”

Jaina had that mischievous twinkle in her eye that showed him she wasn’t truly hurt by it. In fact, she was probably the only one who could understand what he really meant to say.

“The media will twist your words into whatever they want,” Leia said with the shake of her head. He was grateful for her point of view always. He found that among the Solos, Leia was the one he could most understand. She’d been a reluctant politician herself, and she more than understood the conflicting demands of the professional and personal life.

“I don’t know about that,” Han said in between bites before addressing Jaina directly. “They’ll say different things to your face from what they’ll tell others. Men, that is.”

 _Ouch_ , Jag thought. Sometimes he questioned if Han actually liked him or only pretended to for Jaina’s sake. Or maybe tough love was his way of welcoming Jag into the family. Either way, it made him uncomfortable to have his emotions as the topic of the conversation. They all knew he loved Jaina, and he had professed so many times.

Jaina scowled at her father. “You must be speaking from experience, Dad. Poor mom.”

Leia wagged a finger at her husband. “As usual, he’s talking out of his ass.”

That got a laugh from the table. Even the seven-year-old girl who had seemed to be more interested in the dessert she’d begged to have before her main course. Jag had obliged to the chagrin of her parents, but he found himself unable to say no when she’d asked him.

Amelia had a bright smile on her face. “Dad is always saying crazy things.”

Jaina agreed with her sister, “I know right.”

The banter brought a smile to Jag’s face. It was nice to see the family still together even after all they’d been through. It wasn’t easy, he’d known from personal observation, but Amelia’s adoption brought forth a ray of hope for the Solos to move on from the destruction that Jacen had brought onto their family. Jag looked at the girl for a moment, smiling to himself when he saw the resemblance between her and her father. He wasn’t supposed to know her true identity, but the Solos had trusted him enough to allow him to be close enough to have his suspicions about her.

He had known Jacen Solo for only a brief time, but it was enough for him to notice the similarities between him and the girl. While Amelia didn’t have a strong resemblance to her other relatives, Jag could see a bit of them around her eyes. Despite the chaos that Jacen Solo had brought to the Galaxy, he had somehow managed to also bring forth this bright piece of sunshine that had revitalised a family that felt broken.

That was what love did for the Solos.

“I understand if it’s caused some confusion,” Jag said, wanting to at least clear the air. “But I do very much love you.”

Jaina smiled at him, “I know. Otherwise you wouldn’t put up with my Dad’s comments.”

“Hey,” Han protested before turning his attention to Jag. “I get it, Jag, really. I was just poking at a little fun.”

“Uh,” Jag stuttered, “Of course.”

He hadn’t intended for them to know that their teasing had gotten to him. Perhaps his walls weren’t built as sturdy as he’d thought. He was probably blushing too, to make it even worse.

A small but familiar hand was sliding into his underneath the table. He looked up to see Jaina still smiling at him. That smile made him weak, made him vulnerable. But he was touched that she was looking out for him. When it came to how he felt for her, he didn’t really think he needed anything in return. It was still nice to receive her love and support too. He knew that if there was anyone he could trust, it would be her.

Changing the subject was easy after that. Jag listened on while the family discussed, and often argued, about the most obscure things. He’d learnt that there was a reality holo about a Devaronian family adjusting to Coruscanti’s bustling life that had half the Galaxy divided. He didn’t get the appeal of wanting to watch someone else’s scripted life, but Jaina and her family seemed to have a lot of thoughts. Even Amelia was watching, it seemed by her frequent chiming in.

His family used to have discussions like that. Although not with them all together. He was young when his eldest brother had died, so he never got to learn much of his opinions on things. Unfortunately, his two other siblings had died not too long after that. The Fel household just got smaller and smaller, and he was off to study at the Academy when he was fourteen before his younger siblings were even capable to having a decent conversation. Did that mean that loneliness had followed him throughout his life?

Jaina squeezed his hand, probably sensing the darker turn of his thoughts. He gave her a squeeze in return to reassure her he was fine. After all, he’d never be able to truly banish the memories of his family and the reminders of the losses he experienced.

It was a nice day out indeed, but as always, something seemed to be missing.

-

In Chiss society, a child became an adult by age twelve. For humans, they’d accept them into adult life at fourteen. By those standards, Jag had been an adult for a long time. He’d moved out, went to study, and got a job just as he was supposed to. He’d never looked back at what else his childhood could have had. As far as was concerned, he’d spent enough years under his mother’s thumb learning all the human things she had wanted her to children know. It was time to become a man, like his father, and abandon those childish ideals and embrace the part of him that was born and raised Chiss.

If he had allowed himself a more conventional upbringing, would he still have the internal conflict he seemed to suffer with now? Jaina loved to psychoanalyse him, as she had learned to do with herself when recovering from the guilt of killing her brother.

“You think too much. That’s your problem,” Jaina declared casually before taking a sip of the glass of wine he’d just poured her.

“I didn’t know thinking was a bad thing,” Jag replied.

“No, but you do it too much.”

Jag leaned back against the couch where they were both seated. In the privacy of his quarters in the embassy, he had decided to ask her what she thought about his actions. Long ago, he’d asked her not to pressure him into public displays of affection but he’d long since got over the majority of those feelings. He wanted to know if she thought he approached things in a rational way.

“Explain that.”

Jaina’s head tilted to the side as she thought about it. She was leaning against him, her feet tucked between herself and the couch as she made herself as close to him as possible.

“Well, you’re a logical person. You’re naturally going to want to tackle an issue step-by-step and in the prescribed order,” She pressed her face into his chest. “That’s good, better than how I approach a situation, but you over think it and end up doing way more than you need to.”

“An overly effective strike is a better outcome than an underwhelming one,” Jag argued.

“Sometimes it is,” Jaina continued, “But then you start to think through even more and question yourself when you don’t need to.”

“I don’t get what you’re saying.”

Jaina sighed, “I’m saying you’re way too smart for your own good. Sometimes you just have to do things with no reason behind it other than you want to.”

Jag didn’t like the sound of that. “Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Jaina shrugged, “Get a tattoo maybe?”

“No,” Jag turned his nose up at that. “No way.”

“It was just a suggestion!” Jaina said in her defence. “I just mean that you worry so much about your life’s direction because you’re so stuck in the mindset that you even _need_ a direction for your life.”

“Uh, that’s because I do.” Jag couldn’t live without having a plan for at least that very same day. Order was an essential part of who he was.

“You _don’t_. Do you plan to run the Empire forever?”

“No,” he admitted, “But I’ll figure out what to do before it’s my time to leave office.”

Jaina sat up straight, no longer leaning on him. “What does one even do after such a high-profile job.”

Jag…did not know. Oh, no. He was about to have a crisis.

Jaina’s free hand moved to his cheek, ensuring he kept his gaze on hers. “Don’t freak out on me. You have a lot of time to figure it out.”

He was sceptical. “Can’t you just tell me what’s wrong with me so I can fix it?”

Smiling warmly, Jaina pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “You have to figure it out for yourself. I can’t do it for you.”

“Sometimes an outside perspective is needed though.”

Jaina thought about it. “You are a bit OCD.”

Jag frowned, “Being neat doesn’t make me obsessive compulsive.”

She shrugged, “I guess not. But I really meant the way you think. You like order and structure, and if your idea of that isn’t upheld you freak out.”

Was she really diagnosing him with OCD? Jaina was unpredictable like that. Next, she’d tell him he was _depressed._

“I wouldn’t have survived on Tenupe if I was.”

“It’s not the same for everybody, and I’m not insisting that you definitely have OCD. I just think that you internalise things to the point where you stay up all night thinking about them instead of getting the sleep you need.”

She wasn’t wrong. “Things like what?”

“Well,” Jaina put her glass of wine down onto the table in front of them as she positioned herself more comfortably. “Like not being able to see your family.”

“Yes, I’m upset about that. You would be too.”

Jaina nodded in agreement. “I’d be worse, actually. That doesn’t mean you don’t agonise internally over it.”

Jag took a deep breath, about to argue before deciding against it. They were having this conversation with the goal of giving him perspective. “What else?”

“You’re traumatised by Tenupe,” Jaina stated as if it were a fact. “Did you ever seek therapy for that?”

He frowned, “I didn’t need therapy. I adjusted well, considering the circumstances.”

She raised a brow, “It’s worse than I thought.”

“I feel as if you’re judging me,” Jag said honestly. Did she really think so much was wrong with him?

“I think I’d be the last person to ever judge you. I killed my brother, remember?” Jaina looked at him seriously. He knew that the guilt of that action practically ate her alive, yet she still managed to move on and keep living.

“I know,” He looked away, unable to withstand her gaze. “I hate even the idea of people knowing that I have flaws. Especially you.”

Jaina sighed again. “See? That’s something stemming from all the internalised beliefs you’ve held onto for so long. You’re not perfect, Jag. No one is.”

Sure, he knew that. It wouldn’t stop him from trying. “So, Tenupe and my exile? Work on that and I’m good?”

She shook her head. “It’s never that easy. When I was recovering, I had to go all the way back to my childhood and unpack every little thing that could have led me to that point.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my childhood.” Jag said a little too quickly. He didn’t even really believe it himself.

Jaina didn’t call him out on it. “Okay. Tell me then, are you saying you don’t resent your parents even a little bit for raising you among the Chiss.”

Jag frowned. “No. I’ve never resented them.”

“I find that hard to believe. There isn’t a child who’s never felt even a little resentment towards their parents.”

“Okay, well, I’m proud that I was raised among the Chiss. You know that.”

“Because you think the Chiss are an ideal for you to aspire to?” Jaina pressed, “Because you think it’s brought you closer to the perfection that you chase in your life?”

“I don’t-” Jag let out a long breath, his hands now moving to his lap as he tried to come up with something. “I don’t know.”

“That’s all you ever knew growing up, chasing after that ideal because your father told you it was what you needed to do. And you did it so well that you moved up so far…until they exiled you.”

Jag closed his eyes, suppressing the anger that was threatening to boil over. He wondered if she forgot that she had a role in the events that led to his exile, that he had to forgive her for what she’d done to his family before they could even consider being friends again. After all that, how dare she criticise his parents?

“You’re angry with me,” Jaina said softly, “Because I’m out of line or because I’m right?”

He shook his head, biting back on a sharp response as he looked her in the eye again. “Because you’re out of line.”

“How so?”

“ _You_ don’t get to say that about my parents,” Jag said slowly.

Jaina stood her ground. “Why? Because it’s easier to blame me for what happened? Jagged, I never asked you to guarantee Lowbacca’s parole.”

“I did that because I loved you!” Jag said, before reining himself in. He wasn’t going to shout at her.

“We weren’t even together,” Jaina argued. “We broke up long before that.”

“But I was still loyal to you,” Jag said evenly, “And I expected you to have that same loyalty to me. But that’s in the past, I don’t hold it against you anymore.”

“It sounds like you do,” Jaina shot back. “Or you’re deflecting something you haven’t resolved onto me.”

Jag didn’t want to hear anymore, but he didn’t know how to avoid it. He was the one who asked for her psychoanalysis. His reaction clearly meant that she was striking a chord. “Let’s just- I don’t want to argue about this.”

There was silence between them for a few moments. Jag knew that Jaina wanted to press even further, but she also didn’t want to distress him anymore than she already had. She probably felt guilty about him blaming her for his exile, which he didn’t mean to do, but it was almost instinctual to ignore anyone else’s fault in the matter. Except for his, of course.

“I’m sorry,” Jaina broke the silence. “If I’m wrong, then I’m sorry. If I’m right, I’m still sorry.”

Jag looked down at his hands folded in his lap. Were they shaking?

“It’s fine. You’re just trying to help.”

Jaina’s hand found its way to his, grasping tightly to keep stop the tremors. “Am I the problem?”

“No,” Jag didn’t have to think about it. She was the only thing that reminded him of his humanity. She provided him with love and support, and an avenue to give his own love freely. There wasn’t bitterness in that, there wasn’t any anger.

Jaina looked unsure, “I don’t want to be the one who hurts you. I’d rather die before I ever hurt you again.”

“You shouldn’t say that. I’d rather you hurt me instead.”

Jaina scoffed, “This is becoming a competition, isn’t it?”

Jag managed a weak smile. “You know I can’t stand to lose.”

Silence settled between them. Jaina obviously wanted to say much more but she had the sense to know that he was already on edge. Pushing his buttons right now wouldn’t help. Like she said, he’d have to figure it out himself.

She moved again to rest her head in his lap, a hand firmly on his thigh as a reminder that she was still present. She was just giving him time.

One hand of his own settled onto her head, stroking her long hair gently. Jag remembered his father. Soontir Fel would take on any issue head on, not hide behind insecurities and push it to the side. Jag would have to do the same, then.

He sighed. Maybe that was exactly the problem Jaina was describing.

“Anger,” Jag said softly, giving up all pretences. Jaina didn’t shift, but he felt her breathing quieten as she listened keenly. “I don’t want to think about it because it makes me angry.”

Jaina said nothing. Now, he wished she’d go on another rant, diagnose him again, come up with the solution so he wouldn’t have to. Instead, Jaina remained silent.

He continued, “But I’m not angry at you. I don’t feel angry about your involvement in my exile because I don’t blame you for it.”

Jag felt her stiffen up at his mention of his exile. She was clearly hurt about it, no matter how much she pretended not to be. He remembered when he’d lashed out at her when they’d been put on the Alema Rar task force. It was a rare moment where he couldn’t control his emotions, and the anger that he’d had over the whole situation ended up being dumped onto an unknowing Jaina in that moment.

He winced as he thought back to it; she didn’t even know what had happened to him and he’d still yelled at her. It was so easy to let the bitterness pour out of him because it was her. He could have never done the same if it were his father standing before him, two years after abandoning him-

And there it was. He felt abandoned by his father. It was like nasty, tenacious bacteria building up in his heart that he’d ignored for years. _Abandonment_. His father had cast him out, at the order of the Ruling Families, and had decided to keep the rest of the family in Chiss Space. When he’d eliminated Alema Rar, his family would have been free to build back their wealth and standing in the society. He had no doubts that they’d already made headway doing so before he’d completed his last task, now they were probably thriving just as they had before.

Without him. They were probably content without him.

Jag paused combing through Jaina’s hair. It took considerable effort not to curl his hand into a fist. That was the anger he was talking about. He had to swallow down the urge to scream.

“Jag?” Jaina’s voice had a calming effect on him. She sounded concerned, probably sensing his boiling anger.

It took him a moment to reply. “I’m angry at my family.”

She remained silent, unsure how to proceed. He’d taken out so much of his anger out on her that she felt uncomfortable when it came to this topic. She’d professed earlier that she never wanted to hurt him again. She very well could, because he gave her a chance to earn back his heart, and now she could break his heart to pieces once again.

But he had a choice to give her that opportunity. He had none when it came to his family.

Suddenly, his vision was blurred. Was he passing out?

No, he soon realised, as a tear fell from his right eye. He was just crying. Jag couldn’t recall the last time he cried. Maybe when he’d finally been rescued only to have his father inform him that he’d have to leave forever. Did he cry? Or did he force himself to remain stoic so that he didn’t disappoint his father one last time.

But now, Jag couldn’t help the tears from falling, not with every bad memory rushing back to him. Running for his life in the jungle. His older brother never coming home. His mother’s tearful face as she refused to even hold him one last time. Wanting so badly to just _end_ things when he’d had no idea where to go on the simple ship his parents had given to him as a final parting gift.

He’d never cried for any of that. He’d never allowed the emotion to get past any of his layers. Now, he felt every wall come crashing down.

When he finally came to, he was enveloped in a warm embrace. His face was nestled neatly into her neck, and her arms were tightly wound around his waist. It was a little awkward, considering the differences in their sizes, but he’d never felt safer. If he lifted his head now, she’d see his tear-soaked cheeks, and he’d probably got snot all over her shirt. She’d already seen him bawl, she didn’t need to see his pathetic face too.

Jag removed his hands from where they were holding on tightly to Jaina’s hips. He didn’t know when in his crying fit they’d moved to this position, but he had to put on a braver face for her. He wasn’t _that_ bothered by the situation, right? He had a good cry, now he could move on.

Clearing his throat, he finally lifted his head as his hands came up to wipe at his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the pain in her expression. Jag’s heart sank even further than it had before. She was _hurt_ to see him hurting.

“Jaina,” He started before he had to cough. His throat felt gravelly, as if it would close up if he tried to speak again.

She lowered her gaze, blinking back tears of her own. She maintained her grip on his waist, unwilling to let him slip away from her. “I hate this.”

Jag shook his head in confusion, willing himself to speak. “What?”

“I hate to see you cry. I hate to see you in pain,” She confessed, forcing herself to meet his gaze again. One of her hands finally moved, and she was caressing his cheek gently, wiping away a stray tear that he’d missed.

“Now you know how I feel,” Jag joked lamely. He’d seen her cry so many times throughout the course of their relationship. It never got easier, especially since her pain only ever seemed to grow.

Jaina shook her head, “Jag, you can’t keep repressing these feelings.”

He looked away. “I’m not.”

“You are,” Jaina said firmly, “You’ll break if you do.”

Jag knew she was right. That first crack in his walls was already so draining. What would he do when all his defences were destroyed?

“Just how messed up am I?” Jag asked honestly.

She smiled through her own pain. “If you’re anywhere near as bad as me, then I’m afraid there’s no hope.”

He returned her smile, although he probably looked dishevelled and messy. It wasn’t how he preferred to present himself. “Let’s not go _that_ far.”

Jaina punched him in the shoulder, “Hey.”

Jag sniffled, barely even registering her gesture. “I don’t know what to do now.”

“I do,” Jaina declared.

He gestured for her to continue. He didn’t like the sigh that came with it, “You should call your dad.”

Grimacing, Jag pulled himself out of her grasp completely. “That is out of the question. That would go against the terms of my exile.”

Jaina didn’t back down. “Jag, you’re the kriffing Head of the Empire.”

“Which is why I should not anger a sovereign system by disobeying the terms of my exile.”

She closed the distance between them, her hands firmly gripping his knees. “If you don’t talk to them, you can’t resolve the problem. You need closure.”

Jag shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

She gave him an exasperated look. “Not even _one_ phone call to get it out of your system? What about a pre-recorded holo? A strongly worded letter?”

“No, no, and no,” Jag said firmly.

“You know that I’m right,” Jaina pressed, “I believe this is what you need.”

Jag tried not to get annoyed with her. She was only trying to help, no matter how misguided her thought process was. “It’s a nice suggestion, but it won’t be happening.”

Jaina’s mouth opened to retort but he beat her to it, “And I swear to you, if you get involved and set anything up behind my back I won’t go through with anything. So, don’t even try it.”

She scowled at him, “So, all this progress goes to waste then? You just go back to harbouring all these negative emotions when there’s a chance for you to let all of it go?”

“Yes,” Jag declared. “If there’s not other solution then I’ll take it to the grave.”

“You’re so kriffing stubborn,” Jaina finally released her grip on him, folding her arms across her chest as she moved away from him.

Jag reached over to put a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Look, I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you’ve done to help me get to this point. But _please_ respect that it’s my decision. I don’t want to revisit this, and I’m not going to contact anyone from my family.”

Jaina only huffed in disappointment. She didn’t like his answer and she wasn’t going to pretend to either. Jag sighed, getting up from the couch and moving deeper into his quarters.

He found himself in the refresher, turning on the tap to wash his face before he realised he needed a shower. He felt grimy and disgusting after having released so much from the inside.

Stripping out his clothes, Jag stepped into the far-too-fancy shower that adorned his far-too-fancy refresher. As he turned on the water, he heard the door slide open. Jaina was probably worrying excessively.

He let the hot water run over him for a few minutes, until she finally joined him. Normally, his eyes would be raking over her beautiful body the instant she stepped in. Now he had to close his eyes to keep from breaking down into tears again. Jaina didn’t say anything. Picking up the body wash, she doled out a large amount into her palm before working it into a lather.

Jag didn’t move as she began to work the lather into his tense back, her skilled hands working through knot after knot. He felt the day’s stress leave him.

That was the power she had over him. The power to love and care for him. It was a power that no one else in this Galaxy had.

When she was finished with her impromptu massage, he finally turned to face her. Standing underneath the shower’s spray, he needed to get closer to truly see her face. Right now, it was like he towered over her. Or perhaps his vision wasn’t so clear because he was crying again.

Either way, he didn’t hesitate to lift her into his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist as he kissed her passionately. He didn’t have the answers tonight, and he didn’t know if he ever would, but the only thing he needed now was to hold her as close as possible.

Pressing her back against the shower’s expensive stone wall, he allowed himself to get lost in her, forgetting all about the running water. And everything else, too.

-

_“I didn’t mean it,” Jaina slurred. She’d had far too much drink than any human should, and it was probably her Jedi abilities and her Solo genes that kept her upright._

_They had just completed a search of Coruscant’s lower layers after their surveillance devices had picked up a false trail of their quarry. It was a waste of the evening, as Zekk had said, before he sulked back to the Temple to crawl into bed._

_Jag didn’t know how he ended up in a low-end bar drinking the night away with Jaina Solo, but he was soon starting to regret the decision._

_“Mean what?”_

_Jaina’s eyes closed as she shook her head. She seemed to be thinking back to something in the past. His eyes found themselves glued to her lips, which she’d kept licking throughout the night. He didn’t understand since he thought they were more than moist enough, but he found himself unable to miss every flick of the tongue that had peeked outside her slightly parted lips to make them even impossibly wetter-_

_Jag actually slapped himself. Hard._

_Her eyes opening, Jaina looked at him with concern. “Did you just hit yourself.”_

_Jag tried to play it off. “Just trying to stay awake.”_

_She nodded slowly, “Okay…Weird, but okay.”_

_“You were saying something,” Jag tried to change the subject._

_Jaina’s eyes darkened, “Yeah. I was saying that I didn’t mean it.”_

_He nodded, “Yes, and I asked what you meant by that.”_

_She downed the last of her drink, signalling the bartender for another. Jag thought he should probably intervene before he remembered it was no longer his place. She wasn’t his to worry about anymore._

_Jaina waited until her glass was full again before her gaze was deeply focused on the amber liquid. She seemed to be lost in it, almost._

_“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she admitted softly._

_Jag immediately tensed up. He did not want to have this conversation. Ever._

_So, he didn’t say anything, only focusing on finishing his own drink. When he finally glanced at her, he could see the first sign of tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t look back at him, nor did she say anything else. She only drowned herself deeper into the alcohol._

_His heart seemed to sink at the sight. He shouldn’t feel sorry for her, he knew that. But a consequence of knowing her for so long, meant knowing in great detail how Jaina’s mind worked. She would drown forever in a sea of her own guilt and self-doubt. He’d once aspired to be the one to pull her out. Now, he knew there was no saving others._

_And there was nothing that could ever happen between them again. Not if he wanted to maintain his sanity._

_But still, when he looked at her face, he felt the ice around his heart melt. Could she really be that upset about hurting him?_

_He had to tear his eyes away before his emotions got the best of him. He was done with love and he was done with Jaina Solo. He’d rid the Galaxy of Alema Rar and then he’d-_

_Then he’d what?_

_There was nothing for him in this world. He had nothing and no one to live for once he’d completed his mission._

_“It’s not true,” Jaina muttered. Had she read his mind?_

_Shaking her head, Jaina continued, “You were speaking aloud. And it’s not true.”_

_Jag cursed the liquor for his slippery tongue. He still didn’t know what to say. She was the last person to have this conversation with._

_“If you don’t live well, I’ll have to live knowing that I killed you. I can’t live with myself if I’ve killed you.”_

_“You’re not making any sense,” Jag finally said._

_Jaina took a long sip as if to prepare herself, “I did this to you, right? I made you cold. I ruined everything for you. So, if you can’t live anymore, then I’ve essentially killed you.”_

_He shifted uncomfortably. If he were sober, he’d get up and leave this conversation to die, but he was drunk and at the brink of falling off a precipice he didn’t even want to go near._

_“What’s your point?”_

_“I hate you,” She spat out, ignoring his question. “I can’t stand having you near me.”_

_It tugged at his heart to hear her so those words to him. But he’d already known she had no love for him, otherwise they wouldn’t be in this bar now._

_Before he could tell her just that, Jaina began rambling again. “But I don’t want you to ever leave. I can’t stand the thought of not having you here.”_

_Now she was contradicting herself, and Jag was ready to chalk up the whole conversation to drunkenness and forget it ever happened._

_Jaina sniffled as she suppressed the urge to break down completely. “Knowing that you hate me…and that I deserve it. I can’t stand it. That’s why I hate you. Because no matter what I do, I can’t get you out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about you.”_

_“Jaina, you’re drunk,” Jag warned her before she said anything else she’d regret the next day._

_She shook her head. “Before, I just missed you. I just wanted to forget about everything, my Jedi duties, the Alliance, my stupid brother…I just wanted what we used to have. But now that I know I’ve killed you, I don’t know what I want.”_

_He reached over to drag the near empty glass from her hand. She’d had enough to drink for the night._

_“Let’s get back to the office.”_

_Jaina finally raised her head to look at him, and then the tears did fall._

_“Just say you hate me, and I’ll put on my big girl pants and get over it. Just tell me you hate me, **please**.”_

_Jag looked into her pleading eyes, and knew he’d be unable to ever seriously say those words. Truthfully, he didn’t hate her. Her actions at Q’orbi had cost him everything, but it hadn’t been her choice. It was her megalomaniac brother who’d caused the incident and Jaina had been forced to take part as a result. And even if it were her decision, Jaina always fought for what she knew was right. She always put that ahead of her own wants, as did he. Then, could he really blame her because he got the short end of the stick?_

_Deep, deep down, Jag knew that there was a spark in his heart that still burned for Jaina Solo. He felt it light up every time he saw her, every time he thought of her. It wasn’t hatred, or disdain, it was something else that he couldn’t bring himself to admit._

_“I think you’ve had a lot to drink,” Jag said firmly as he wrapped an arm around her waist to escort her out. He ignored the rush of electricity that coursed through him to touch her again._

_Jaina leaned into him as she mumbled to herself, “Thank the Force. He can’t say it. Thank you so much, that he doesn’t hate me.”_

_Jag wished he hadn’t heard her. He wished even more that she wasn’t right._

-

He had come to forgive Jaina quite easily. At the time he didn’t understand why he’d warmed up to her so quickly, but now he knew it was because his anger didn’t truly stem from her. Jaina was the type to fight tooth and nail for the people she cared about. It didn’t matter if he made a simple mistake or had a lapse in judgement, she would never cast him out for anything like that.

But his parents, who had raised him and taught him everything he knew, could. The did in fact throw him out, wanting nothing to do with him. Even with how cold he was to Jaina, she still wanted him. Even when he’d push her away over and over, when he’d lay blame at her feet that she didn’t deserve to bear, she still wanted him.

Why couldn’t the Fel family do the same for him?

They could have started over anywhere in the Galaxy. The Empire would have been the ideal place, and they’d be welcomed with open arms. Was he really not worth that to them? It was selfish, he knew, to expect them to do that when he’d let his heart rule his head, but at the end of the day the Fels were all just humans. Could every single of them live up to Chiss ideals for the rest of their existence as a family?

 _Why did it have to be me?_ Jag asked himself. It gnawed at him ever since Jaina helped him come to the realisation of where his anger truly lay. How could he let himself be the one to fall so far from grace? His younger sister, Wynssa, had looked up to him almost her whole life. Now, she was a stranger who probably thought him a failure.

Once upon a time, his mother had asked him not to join the military, she’d almost begged him to choose a different life. If he had, would he still be able to call himself her son?

And then there was his father…he had probably disappointed the General Baron the most. His children dying probably had nothing on Jagged bringing absolute disgrace onto the Fel family name. After he’d mentored and taught him so well, Jag managed to fail him so spectacularly.

Shaking his head, Jag turned his attention back to the datapad before him. This was the third time this hour that he’d let his thoughts distract him from work. In fact, he’d hardly gotten anything done today. That was unacceptable, his programming scolded him, but he couldn’t seem to get back on target.

Closure.

Jaina had said he needed closure.

His eyes closing, Jag released an exasperated sigh. He desperately wanted her to be wrong, he wanted this to blow over, or for every negative thought and emotion to go back to being repressed, or whatever she’d described it as.

But he knew that his new realisation was a plague. He wouldn’t be able to work efficiently if all he could think about was this.

“Ashik,” Jag said softly. His loyal assistant lifted his head to regard him.

“Sir?”

“Is it possible to get a secure transmission through Chiss Space?”

It wasn’t often that a Chiss would let surprise cross their face but in that moment, Ashik had allowed his shock to show quite blatantly.

“I- Sir, is this Imperial business?”

Jag shook his head. “I wouldn’t ask you like this if that were the case.”

“Then it’s personal?” Ashik’s eyes were hard.

Jag wanted to wilt at his friend’s unwavering gaze. He was already having trouble finding the confidence to do this, he didn’t need any more discouragement.

“Yes,” Jag answered simply.

To his surprise, the Chiss nodded. “I will do my best to get a communique across to General Baron Fel. Even if it is intercepted by the CEDF, they won’t know you’re involved.”

Jag was grateful for Ashik’s effectiveness. “Thank you. But I didn’t say it was for the General Baron.”

“Who else could it be for?” Ashik challenged him.

Shrugging, Jag didn’t even pretend. “I guess you’re right.”

“What would like to me to relay?”

Jag thought about it for a moment. “Tell him that I’d like to meet.”

-

“You’re actually doing it?” Jaina gawked at him. Her disbelief didn’t do anything to encourage him.

“It was your idea,” Jag tried to shrug it off.

Jaina allowed the smile to envelope her face. “I’m so proud of you.”

He flushed, turning his face to hide it. “I received word that their private yacht will be arriving at the agreed meeting place in five standard days.”

Jaina nodded. “You’ll be leaving Coruscant then.”

“Just for a while. I doubt I’ll have much to say that’ll keep me there for more than a few hours.”

“Don’t underestimate yourself,” Jaina reassured him.

Jag sighed nervously. “Actually, I have a favour to ask.”

She raised a brow, “Okay, shoot.”

“Come with me.”

“…Why?” Jaina asked, suddenly uncomfortable. Jag knew that it wouldn’t be pretty, but he had to have her there. If not to defend herself then to defend him.

“Because you’re a part of this just as much as I am. They’re going to ask, you know. They’re going to ask why I’ve taken up with you again.”

Jaina’s face paled, “All the more reason for me not to be there.”

“No,” Jag took her hands. “Whatever the outcome of this reunion, I want them to know that I’m entirely serious about you.”

“Jag, this is not the time to show off our relationship.”

“What I mean is that, they’ll only be more disappointed in me,” Jag admitted, “If I don’t show them, they’ll only continue to look down on me. I have to show them that I’m living. That I’m alive and happy.”

Jaina bit her lip, worried, “Are you really?”

Jag gave her hands a squeeze. “I’ve had a long time to think about it. Ever since you helped me realise I needed to see my family again, and even before then. I’ve been holding on to my past, letting it cloud my present. But when I put all my nostalgia aside, when I stopped agonising over failing my father, I realised that I have everything I could possibly need.”

She looked sceptical, “Which is what exactly?”

“You,” he answered honestly, “I have you.”

He could see her face soften at the admission. “That’s touching, Jag, and I really hope it’s true. But telling them that will only make them angrier, worse if I’m there.”

“That doesn’t matter to me. This is about my closure.”

Jaina sighed, “I’m not sure about this, Jag. But if you want me there, then I’ll be there.”

He gave a her a truly warm smile, before leaning down to kiss her. He had indeed giving it a lot of thought the last few weeks, and he’d finally come a to a conclusion that he felt rang true.

He only hoped that his family would accept it.

-

Jag sat anxiously in the saloon of the _Gilad Pellaeon_ , his personal Star Destroyer, as he waited for the _Starflare_ to make their rendezvous in Imperial Space. He knew he didn’t have to wait long. He expected them in a few minutes, and Fels were never late.

Jaina placed a hand on his shoulder as a comforting gesture. She would stand by him through everything. It was more than he’d expected, honestly, so it gave him the courage to go through with this.

He didn’t bother to greet his parents in his personal hangar. They would undoubtedly initiate conversation from the get go and he’d rather have everything be as settled as possible. Ashik had informed him that they’d safely boarded and were on their way up to him now. Good.

Standing up from his chair, he quickly pressed Jaina into it to take his place while he moved to the door. While he wanted her there, he’d rather not have her be the center of the conversation. This was about him.

Jag’s breath held as the door slid open and he was greeted with a sight he’d never thought he’d see again. Standing a few inches taller than Jag, Soontir Fel seemed like an older, much larger version of him. It almost felt like he was looking a mirror. Beside his father, was his mother’s much demurer figure. Her holostar good looks were still present, no doubt about it, but stress and hard times had aged her, leaving her mostly blond hair sprinkled with grey hairs. Slightly behind the pair stood Jag’s younger sister. Wynssa was a grown woman now, albeit still a young one, but she’d grown up to look so much like Cherith. It ached his heart to see her.

“Welcome,” Jag was the one to break the silence. They all seemed to be caught up in sizing him up to say anything first, but he was the host after all. He had to take charge of the formalities, at least.

Soontir’s eyes were hard, and it sent a chill down Jag’s spine. He felt judged, almost, as if he were about to receive a dressing down that he’d gotten used to in the past. Perhaps he was.

“You were reckless to have contacted us. If the Ruling Families found out, we’d be doomed as a family.”

Jag nodded. He knew that well enough, which is why Ashik was the only person he’d ever trust with the task. “I assure you your little visit is being held in the utmost secrecy.”

“Yes, I suppose you can guarantee that,” Syal Antilles said. Her gaze wasn’t as critical as her husband’s, but it was still weary.

Jag didn’t bother to reply. His appointment as the Head of State of the Remnant would have been known to them the minute it hit the holonews. They wouldn’t have been surprised to board his flagship or be scouted out by his assistant.

“Come in,” Jag said with a wide gesture, allowing them through the door. He led them to small receiving room that housed comfortable couches. Caf was already prepared and waiting on the expansive table in the centre of the room.

They each took a seat except Jag, Soontir at the head of the seating arrangement in the large armchair that Jag usually used to conduct his business. Jag grimaced, noting that even though he currently ranked higher than his father, he still seemed to be far beneath him.

Jag opted to remain standing, then, but before he could speak again, he caught his sister’s eyes trained on the door deeper into his saloon, the one that led to his private office that he’d just left open.

“Is someone waiting for us in there?” Wynssa asked, pointing in the open door’s direction.

Jag put on a brave face as he nodded. “Actually, yes.”

Raising a brow, Soontir fixed his son a glare. “This isn’t a set-up, is it?”

He resisted the urge to scowl at his father. “You can’t possibly think I’d be so low to do such a thing.”

Wynssa scoffed, leaning back against the couch as she crossed her legs. “How would we know? You’re as unpredictable as they come.”

“Wynssa,” Syal scolded her daughter. “Don’t say things you’ll regret.”

“We’re Fels,” Soontir chimed in, and he was joined by his children when he continued. “We don’t regret.”

Jag blinked at the instinct to parrot his father’s sayings. This was going to be harder than he thought.

“Well then,” Syal was saying. “Who is it that’s waiting for us? If it’s family business then I must say I cannot guess who it might be.”

Was she being honest? Or just warning him that Jaina’s presence would not be welcome. Chiss society was practically devoid of the gossip tabloids that plagued the so-called Known Regions, but Jag knew that his relationship was high profile enough to penetrate the lives of those who had an interest in his personal life. And he didn’t doubt for a second that since his appointment as Head of State that they’d be looking for every available detail of his life.

Jag moved to the door, ringing the buzzer that would alert Jaina that he was ready for her. He wanted to talk with them first, but it was no use dragging it out. They probably already suspected it.

He wasn’t sure what they’re reaction would be, seeing Jaina Solo emerge from the chamber ahead, but he didn’t expect their already suspicious faces to morph into anger.

 _Anger_ , Jag thought, _why is everyone so angry?_

“Hello,” Jaina said quietly but loud enough for them to hear. She didn’t have her usual confidence, and when he took her hand he could feel just how much her pulse had picked up. She was nervous, even more so than he was.

Maybe he shouldn’t have held her hand so quickly, as all their gazes seemed to land on their joined hands.

“Why would you bring her?” His father asked, almost in disgust. He felt Jaina wither behind him, but he’d tightened his grip on her hand before she could make herself any smaller. He wouldn’t let his father intimidate her.

“Because I love her.”

His mother, Syal Antilles, looked at him in exasperation. “Jagged, you can’t be serious.”

Jag looked at Wynssa, who had defaulted to stand behind her parents, but her eyes held a fire in them that Jag knew wasn’t directed at him.

“I am,” Jag said confidently.

“This is why you called us here?” His father fumed, “To let us know that you haven’t learned a thing in your exile.”

Jag prepared himself to retort before he was beat to it by Jaina. She stepped forward, going nose to chest with the much larger man.

“You wouldn’t know anything about what he’s been through,” Jaina said, her tone polite but firm. “With all due respect, General, you can hate me to the nearest star and back. You can curse and spit at me until you’re satisfied. But Jag doesn’t deserve that. Not from you.”

His father looked stunned, but he would never allow Jaina to see him falter. He simply turned his gaze back to Jag.

Clearing his throat, Jag started again, “I wanted to see you. That’s why I called you here.”

“You would risk our own disgrace because you missed us?” His mother asked carefully.

Jag met his mother’s eyes. “No…I actually need something from you.”

His sister finally spoke up, “Spit it out then.”

“Very well,” he said to Wynssa before addressing the family as a whole. “I want closure.”

“Closure,” Soontir asked, confused.

Jag nodded, ignoring the lump developing in his throat. “I want you to say you hate me. If you really do, I need to hear you say it so I can move on.”

He felt Jaina tense as she recognised his words. He took it she remembered that night, then. They’d never discussed it.

“To be honest, and only because I don’t intend on breaking the terms of my exile by seeing you again, I’m haunted. By our past.”

Soontir levelled his gaze Jag’s way. “Excuse me?”

Sighing, Jag took a step forward, dragging a reluctant Jaina behind him. “I’m bitter. About my exile.”

“Yet, you find the courage to string along the very person who caused it.” Soontir shook his head in disgust, “Or is she stringing you along? I can’t be too sure.”

“No one is stringing along anyone,” Jag insisted. He had to remind himself to keep his tone even. “I didn’t invite you here so you could insult her. Or us.”

“Then what did you invite us for, Jag?” Wynssa asked. “To show off that everything’s been great for you since you left.”

He was taken aback by the bitterness in her tone. He’d never thought that they’d look at his life and think he was doing well, not after how far he’d fallen. But on paper it sure looked that way. It was a perspective that he’d never given any thought to. While he’d come to realisation that he’d harboured resentment towards them, could he have missed the possibility that they’d done the same towards him seeing where he was now?

“No,” Jag admitted, “I suppose from your point of view, it seems that way. But it hasn’t been great as you seem to think.”

“Really,” His father scoffed. “But still you felt the need to bring your girlfriend.”

Jaina tensed behind him. She hated feeling belittled or talked down to.

Before he could reprimand his father, Jaina was already rushing to defend herself. “I’m the one who recommended that Jagged meet with you. I felt he needed that in order for him to stop sulking about every day.”

Jag frowned at her. “I do not sulk.”

“Yes, you do,” Jaina shot back, her gaze remaining on Soontir. “So, as I said earlier, hate me all you want. I think this is something both he and you need.”

Syal cleared her throat, “Maybe Jaina is right. We do need to talk.”

Withering under his wife’s glare, Soontir finally backed down and took his seat once more. “Very well. What do you have to say, Jagged.”

Finally stepping away from Jaina’s side, he moved to sit on the couch himself, beside his sister. “What went through your mind when I had to leave?”

Stunned, Soontir needed a moment to reply. “Nothing. I didn’t believe it at first.”

“But you easily complied, right? Did you fight it?” Jag pressed.

“Of course, he didn’t,” Wynssa chimed in. “If he did then we’d all be kicked out along with you.”

Jag turned to face her directly, “Would that have been so bad?”

“Why should all of us be punished for your mistakes?” Wynssa continued to glare at him.

Apologetic, Jag backed down. “Of course. I shouldn’t expect that from you.”

At least Syal seemed apologetic, “Jag, of course we would have wanted you to stay, but to uproot our lives because of your mistake wouldn’t be fair to us all. Not me, not your father, Wynssa, or-”

“No need to say anymore,” Soontir cut her off, his gaze moving towards Jaina who stood awkwardly in the corner.

Jag followed his eyes and sighed when he realised why his mother’s speech had been cut short. “Jaina knows about Cem.”

Outraged, Wynnsa shot out of her seat, “Why would you tell her?”

“I didn’t,” Jag said honestly, “Apparently her parents were made aware of his existence during the Killik crisis.”

“Oh,” Wynssa sat back down, embarrassed. “Still. It’s a family secret.”

Jag shrugged, “Why, though? Why do we keep our sibling a secret from the world? Because we think we’re Chiss?”

“It’s a dangerous society, Jag. You know that,” Soontir’s eyes narrowed his way.

“But that’s exactly my problem,” Jag moved to the edge of his seat. “We’re not Chiss…we’re human.”

“I know-”

“Then why do we do this to ourselves? Force ourselves to live so unnaturally to how we truly are,” Jag had to pause to catch his breath. He was growing flustered, just like he had days before when he’d admitted this to Jaina. “I’m human, and I made a mistake that cost me-us- everything.”

Syal’s eyes softened, “We know. Jag, we know it wasn’t your intention. We don’t blame you for the harsh punishment you received.”

“But you made me serve it anyway. Alone.” Jag felt himself retreat inwards. He wouldn’t show them exactly how much it hurt, he’d hold it in for as long as he possibly could.

Soontir frowned at his son, but all the anger that was once held behind his eyes seemed to have faded. “You’re an adult who understood the consequences of your actions. I’m alarmed that you’d expect us to go down with you, considering we were already doings, by the way.”

Jag nodded slowly as he forced himself to meet his father’s eyes. “It is irrational, I know. My feelings are completely irrational. They go against everything I’ve been taught as a Fel and as a Chiss. But I still feel that way.”

He took another deep breath before looking towards Jaina. “But when I left Chiss Space, I had to roam the galaxy alone. I had one purpose in this world and after that I didn’t know what I would do with myself. If I would even do anything.”

His sister’s hand moved to cover his, a surprising gesture considering her earlier anger. “I know it must have been hard.”

Jag managed to smile weakly, “Yes. But then I met up with some people that I met during the war. I came across Han and Leia Solo in my search for Alema Rar. I thought that all the anger and bitterness towards their whole family would keep me from even conversing with them. But when I was with them, I felt like I was home.”

He saw Jaina look away, probably ashamed of the route the conversation would take. His mother was the one to ask, “Why?”

“Because they had almost became my own parents,” Jag said with a sigh. “Things between Jaina and me were long over, but I still felt like they were family. Especially since I didn’t have any. When I stayed on with the Jedi to help with the war effort, I’d never felt more welcome than when I was with them- or Jaina for that matter. I was just her bitter ex-boyfriend, and yet they still cared about me. Isn’t that crazy?

Soontir nodded. “I certainly think it is.”

“Even Jaina’s cousin, Ben, treated me well. I watched that family go through hell. I watched Jacen Solo rip everything they’d built to shreds, and he did all of that intentionally. But they still stuck together. They didn’t abandon anyone just because it got tough.”

Frowning, his father addressed him coolly. “Perhaps, they wouldn’t be in so much trouble if they were disciplined enough as a family. Jacen Solo should have never been allowed to get as far as he did, and that’s on them.

Jag didn’t have the Force, but he felt Jaina’s anger all the way from in the corner. She exercised a lot of self-control not to jump into the conversation and instead settled for glaring at the back of Soontir Fel’s head.

He decided to defend her, then, since she was going to sit it out. “No. I actually don’t think it’s like that at all. Even though they were experiencing the worst family crisis I could imagine, I was still envious of them.”

“I find that hard to believe,” His mother was sceptical.

“But it’s true. Because they still had each other. My perfect, upstanding family was lost to me. It was still better than the nothing I had.” Jag was getting uncomfortable having to be so open. But that was the problem, he wasn’t comfortable with his own family.

Jag continued, “I’m so lucky, that after everything the Solos would consider me family again. I’m so lucky that they’d hold me in high regards and welcome me back into their lives. But I’m so unlucky that my own family wouldn’t want to do the same. That’s the crux of my issue, not that either of us is right or wrong. I just can’t imagine Han Solo telling Jaina to pack up and leave for good. Never in a million years.”

That seemed to offend Soontir, who stood up in anger. “If you’re so happy with the Solos, then there’s no need for us to be here.”

“That’s not what he means,” Syal said to her husband, and her eyes seemed to water with disappointment. Jag hoped it wasn’t disappointment in him. “You know that’s not what he means.”

Wynssa kept her eyes down as she spoke up again, “I get it…I get how you’re feeling Jag.”

“You do?”

She nodded, “Of course. They raised us pretty strict, didn’t they? Sometimes I’ve wished I could have grown up on Coruscant. I always wanted to be an actress like Mom, remember?”

Jag smiled at the memory. She’d dressed up in the fanciest clothes she could find and act out the scenes in the one holovid they had as a proof of his mother’s acting career. She was so small back then but she had big dreams. Now she was dressed in overalls, working day after day to keep up with the expectations of the House of Nuruodo.

“Yeah, I remember.”

“But I know life doesn’t work that way,” Wynssa admitted, “But I understand that seeing life on the other side has made you feel like you missed out. We are only human, after all.”

Jag was relieved that at least one person understood. If Cem were here, he knew he would too. Having to live as the family’s secret probably did not sit well with him. He decided he should ask, “Where is Cem?”

“That’s not your concern,” Soontir said, leaving no room for argument.

That never stopped Jag before. “What? I don’t get to know since I’m not a Fel anymore? Why wouldn’t you bring him along?”

“Because, it’s as you said,” His father said coldly, “His location isn’t any of your business.”

That stung. He felt it hit him over the head and then some. They wouldn’t even let him see his own brother.

Jaina finally moved from the corner to stand in between Soontir and his wife. “My family isn’t perfect, General. My brother killed my aunt who hunted him down because he was toying with her son. He wreaked havoc on this galaxy, and I killed him for that reason alone. I killed my brother because it was the right thing to do. That’s the kind of family I’m from.”

Soontir tipped his head in acknowledgement. “I admire that bravery. That doesn’t mean I want you to have anything to do with my son.”

Jaina nodded. “Of course, and those words would break me under normal circumstances. Except that you’ve disowned him, so I don’t have to worry about his parents’ opinion of me.”

It was a lie, Jag knew. Jaina more than cared what they thought of her, but she had a point to make.

She continued, “If you want to be my monster-in-laws who hate their son’s choice in women, then you’ll have to do better.”

“How?” Syal asked. She was obviously more willing to reconcile than her husband.

“Maybe tell your son you’ve missed him,” Jaina suggested, and she seemed to almost choke up at those words, “That you’re proud of him.”

Jag wanted to feel uncomfortable, he did. But he knew that Jaina was genuinely heartbroken on his behalf. She wasn’t the type to let people know her true feelings, that was something reserved for close family and himself, but she was willing to let his family see her vulnerability if it meant helping him.

“Oh,” Syal said quietly, “I didn’t think it needed to be said.”

Jaina obviously sensed something he didn’t and was moving to sit on the arm of the chair Syal currently occupied. She was also holding her hand before anything more could be said.

“You’re just like your son, you know,” Jaina commented as a single tear fell from Syal’s face. Jag couldn’t be sure exactly the reason for her tears, but it was strong enough for Jaina to be bold enough to comfort her.

“He always forgets to use his words,” Jaina completed her statement. Syal wiped at her eyes with her free hand before she smiled up at Jaina, giving her hand a thankful squeeze.

Syal ignored her husband’s gaze as she turned to face Jag. “She’s right. What kind of mother have I been?”

Jag’s heart broke to see her cry. “I didn’t mean for this to be so confrontational, but it seems we all came with a plan to be defensive rather than to catch up and share.”

“Is that what you want?” Soontir asked, tearing his eyes from Jaina’s hold on his wife. “To catch up or to be defensive.”

Jag forced a smile his father’s way. “I want closure. I don’t want to be plagued by my past anymore.”

Wynssa’s face fell. “Does that mean you want nothing to do with us ever again.”

“No,” Jag said. “I’ve already had that- and it wasn’t doing any of us any good. What I want is to know, that even thought our lives went to hell, and that there may be resentment and bad feelings between us, is that there’s still people I can call my family. That if I ever needed anything, or if you needed anything from me, I could call on you for help. That’s really what I want.”

“I would like that as well,” Syal agreed with him. He gave her a small but genuine smile. He finally felt like he could breathe.

His father wasn’t going to make things easy for him. “You’ve had your say. May I have mine now?”

Jag prepared himself. “That’s fair.”

“Wait,” Wynssa interrupted them. “I think it’d be best for you to have this conversation alone.”

Soontir raised a brow in her direction. “Why do you think that?”

She smiled at her father, “No offence, Dad, but I think Jag has more issues with you than anyone else here. Besides, I want to talk with Jaina.”

“Me?” Jaina blurted out, still seated close to Syal.

“Woman to woman, I mean,” Wynssa clarified. “Let’s leave the men to it, shall we?”

Jag wasn’t sure he wanted Jaina to be alone with his mother and sister, but he knew she was resilient. She’d want to shoulder this burden with him, and there was nothing he could do to stop her.

As he predicted, Jaina nodded as she rose from her makeshift seat. “Yeah. No problem.”

Jag remained silent as his mother, sister, and Jaina shuffled into his office, leaving him to face his father head on. When the door finally hissed closed, Jag met his father’s expectant gaze.

“Now that Mother and Wynssa are gone, you don’t have to hold back,” Jag said, folding his hands in his lap as he leaned back on the couch. He didn’t like that his father remained in his chair, but it was a small concession to have this encounter end on a positive note.

“Very well,” Soontir began. “Colonel Fel, I have to say that I am disappointed.”

Jag instinctually stiffened at his father’s use of his commander’s voice. He was used to responding like the perfect soldier, with a solid salute and willingness to accept his commanding officer’s criticism. Jag almost stood up straight and placed his hands neatly by his side. But he wasn’t a soldier anymore, he didn’t answer to anyone, and he certainly hadn’t answered to his father in a while.

“I can accept that, General,” Jag began, making it a point not to call him sir as he had in the past, “But I’m no longer a colonel. Haven’t been in years. If you wish to be formal with me, please use my present title.”

Soontir crossed his arms over his chest. Jag felt a surge of pride; for once his father couldn’t chalk up his attitude to insolence. As it was now, Jag outranked him. It was a clear show of disrespect to refer to him by the title he’d lost so unceremoniously. Soontir Fel wouldn’t do it to anyone else but a son he felt needed straightening out.

“Ah. Is it alright if I call you Jag?”

“Yes. You are my father.”

“Then, Jag, I am disappointed.”

Jag nodded. Hearing it a second made it slightly easier to handle. “I had a feeling you would be. May I ask what exactly I’ve done to disappoint you?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” His father leaned back, crossing his legs as he regarded his son in a more relaxed manner. “I believe you’ve done incredibly well for yourself, just as I’d expect from you. You’ve always met my expectations and even exceeded them. That holds true still.”

Jag felt a surge of pride run through him. His father’s praise still meant a lot to him, even after all this time. “Ah. What’s the problem, then?”

“Jaina Solo,” Soontir said simply. Jag didn’t react outwardly, but it felt like a personal slight against him.

“Be more specific, please.” Jag said in a pointed tone. While he was open to listening to what his father had to say about him, he wouldn’t allow him to slander Jaina.

“After everything that’s happened, you’ve managed to build yourself back up, even build yourself up higher. But you still allow her back into her life. I see that as you not learning and growing from your mistakes.”

Jag swallowed down the sharp reply he wanted to give. He’d treat his father with respect and explain himself. If he didn’t want to accept it, that was on him, not Jag.

“I have built something for myself, but you assume I could have done it without her. Jaina has been instrumental to my development as an officer and as a person. I wouldn’t be here without her.”

“I’m sure she’s been a source of great comfort. While you may not think I’m as human as she is, I understand a man’s weakness for his woman.”

Jag scowled at him. “It’s not about attraction, father.”

“Oh?” Soontir raised a brow, “Jaina is an exceptionally beautiful woman.”

“Yes, but-” Jag stopped himself from rambling. He was probably flushing. “She is beautiful, and I admit that yes that has some influence on me. But there’s an abundance of beautiful women out there. You can’t reasonably think that I’d be foolish enough to let her back into my life because I think she’s attractive.”

Soontir shrugged, “You wouldn’t be the first man to prove himself a fool for a woman’s love.”

Jag frowned. “I understand your point of view. It looks foolish, yes, but you don’t know her like I do. You don’t know how special she is.”

“You must think I hate her or something,” Soontir commented.

Jag’s eyes widened in shock, “You’re saying you don’t?”

“It’s disheartening to know you think so little of me, Jagged, but I suppose it’s been too long since we’ve been able to speak. We’ve both had years to seethe and make assumptions about each other. I do not hate Jaina Solo, in fact I don’t even dislike her.”

Jag was genuinely surprised, “I- seriously?”

His father nodded. “Seriously. Like I said earlier, I admire the bravery of a woman who would selflessly kill her twin brother to save the rest of the galaxy. Not many, not even myself, would have that courage.”

“Oh.” Jag wasn’t sure what to say.

“My problem with her isn’t a problem with her at all,” Soontir leaned forward to convey the sincerity in his eyes, “Jagged, she’s your weakness.”

Shaking his head, Jag said, “No. She’s not.”

“What happened at Q’orbi wasn’t her fault, I could have told you that. It happened because you were weak for her even after you two had broken up. Did you think you could get her back by helping out her friend?”

Jag closed his eyes as his father’s words seemed to pierce him where it hurt most. “No…I just wanted her to know I was still on her side.”

Soontir nodded, “Understandable. But it hurt you to see she was a joiner, and with her Jedi friend too.”

Back then, Jaina wasn’t in her right mind. Literally. She was a part of the Killik hive mind that nearly stole away her individuality. They hadn’t been close at the time, but Jag knew that she probably felt alone in the world, hence her willingness to lose herself as a joiner. But his father was right- at the time he’d only felt jealousy when he saw the way Jaina and Zekk interacted. He should have been concerned for them both, not reeling from the idea that they’d become closer than he’d ever been with Jaina.

How his father could know that, he wasn’t so sure, but this man had raised him. He clearly had insights into him that Jag himself didn’t.

“Perhaps I was weak for her then,” Jag was willing to concede that, “But contrary to what you believe, I won’t make a mistake like that again.”

“I don’t think you would. It’ll be a different kind of mistake, one you can’t see coming, but it’ll happen because you’re too soft on her.”

Jag wanted to just say no and completely disregard his words, but he’d never be able to move on if he didn’t properly address his father’s criticisms. This was the man he’d looked up his whole life, there had to be truth in his words. He had promised himself that he’d never lose himself to Jaina Solo again. He wouldn’t compromise his responsibilities to help her out. That’s what he’d told himself anyway, but deep down he knew that he’d do anything for her. On her word alone, he’d follow her to the ends of the galaxy.

Jag nodded slowly. “You’re right. I would do anything for her, yes. But my love for her is worth anything that could come from it.”

“You know first-hand what can come from it. You know the devastating effects,” His father said slowly. He was testing him, Jag finally realised, not really criticising him.

“I do. But that’s how I know that it’s worth it,” Jag fixed his father a determined look, “I can tell you with all the confidence I have that I would have nothing without her. My exile has taught me many things, but the most important is that I’m only human. I’ll never be the ideal Chiss officer or a perfect Imperial. I carry out my duties with all of the diligence you instilled in me. But, father, it means absolutely nothing to me. When I think of the future, I don’t think of the leading the Empire, I don’t even dream of flying anymore…I can only think of her and the friends I’ve made.”

Jag paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, “That’s what matters to me. I don’t want accomplishments or praise. I just want to be happy.”

He’d never seen his father look so impassive before and Jag didn’t have the Force to read his emotions. Surprisingly, his father stood and slowly walked to stand in front of him, towering over Jag’s seated figure. In a quick moment, Jag was being enveloped in a fierce hug, one he couldn’t recall the last time he’d felt from his father.

His father was _hugging_ him.

Pulling back from where he was now seated beside his son, Soontir smiled. “I have to take it back, then. I’m not disappointed at all.”

Jag blinked, “You’re not?”

“No,” Soontir sighed. “I don’t think myself to be perfect either, Jag. I can admit my own failings, and therefore I can admit that maybe I’ve failed you.”

The admission tugged at Jag’s heart, “I wouldn’t call it a failure.”

“No, it is,” Soontir patted his back. “You never asked to be raised how you were, and for that I am sorry. You don’t know how proud it makes me to see you where you are today, to be a galactic leader who prioritises love above all else. I couldn’t ask for anything more as a father.”

Jag swallowed the lump in his throat. He wanted to cry again, yes, but this time he knew they would tears of relief rather than of despair. He never in a million words expected this.

“I- you don’t know how much this means to me,” Jag settled for.

“As I said earlier, it saddens me to know you think I’d be so cold towards you after these years apart. I’m strict, yes, and I believe that it’s better to be harsh than overly gentle. But I am your father. I’ve lost far too many children to ever risk losing you a second time.”

Jag couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “But we can’t see each other after this. You know that.”

“Maybe. Or maybe not. I’m willing to sneak away anytime you need. I know your mother and sister are too.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to. Not if it would compromise your lives back home.”

“I am still a liaison between Empire and the Ascendancy, you know. I could officially request for an allowance to do business. The Ruling Families respect power more than anything else, and you have power. I’m surprised you haven’t reached out yourself.”

“I don’t intend on upsetting them anymore than I already have, and I would prefer if you didn’t risk your own position by doing the same, “Jag said firmly.

Soontir gave him a reassuring smile, “Even if it can’t be official, I won’t miss out on anymore time with you. Besides, I still need to see what’s so special about Jaina Solo that you have to keep her all to yourself.”

Jag was finally able to return his father’s smile. “I’d like that as well.”

-

Escorting the Fels back to his hangar wasn’t a problem for Jag. He wanted to spend every last minute with them. He didn’t know when they’d see each other again.

“What did you have to say to Jaina?” Jag asked his sister.

She was holding onto his arm in an affectionate manner like she used to when she was a little girl and he was an awkward but responsible teenager. He didn’t know how much he missed her affection until now.

“It’s a secret,” Wynssa said with a wink. He’d have to pry it out of Jaina later. Sounded like fun.

At the foot of the boarding ramp of the _Starflare_ , Jag was surprised to be dragged into a hug by each of his family members, and each lasted far longer than he’d expected. He missed this; he missed this more than words could say.

His mother held on to him the longest, “We’ll bring Cem next time, I promise.”

Jag buried his nose in her hair, taking in the scent that had been so familiar to him as a child. “If it’s safe, I’d love that.”

When his mother let him go, he was faced with his father once more. He nodded politely, resisting the urge to give him a military salute.

“I’ll make you proud,” Jag said, “I promise you won’t have to be disappointed in me ever again.”

Soontir shook his head as he pulled his son into a final hug. “As long as you’re happy, that won’t happen. I promise.”

Watching them go was harder than he’d thought. A part of him yearned to be on the family’s private yacht again, arguing with his sister about who got to fly co-pilot while their father had the pilot’s chair. They’d play sabacc in the lounge during the hyperspace jump, and his mother would whip up the best Corellian dish she could with the amenities the yacht had to offer. Then she’d tell wild stories of her days as an actress that had them rolling with laughter.

He hadn’t thought of those memories in so long, because he’d fixated on the negative ones. Now, he could remember them fondly.

Anger seemed foreign to him. There was only acceptance. Was this the closure Jaina spoke of? It didn’t feel like he’d closed a door to his past, but instead opened a door to the future.

Love. He felt love.

-

“What did Wynssa and my mother have to say to you?” Jag asked.

When he’d returned to his saloon, Jaina was nowhere to be found in his receiving room or in his office. He’d moved deeper into his personal quarters and found her lounging on the bed, speaking quietly into her commlink. She’d been talking with her own parents, a short conversation to exchange hellos and I love you’s. His reunion with his parents had reminded her to cherish her own.

When she’d noticed him enter, she’d quickly cut off the call. It wasn’t an important conversation according to her.

Jaina smirked, “I guess she didn’t tell you.”

He lay on the bed beside her, on his back as he let out a long breath. “I think today was a dream.”

Jaina rolled over to lie on top of him, poking him in the cheek, rather annoyingly he might add. “See what happens when you listen to me?”

“Right, right. I’ll never doubt you again.” Jag grabbed her offending finger and kept it in place.

“Good. Wynssa said she’d skin me alive if I ever betrayed you,” Jaina said casually.

Jag sat up quickly, bringing Jaina up with him as he did so. “She did _what_?”

Jaina grinned, “I’m joking.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, “Oh.”

“She didn’t use those exact words, but that was what she meant anyway.”

Jag shook his head in disbelief, “I don’t understand either of you.”

“Your mother wanted to know how you were doing,” Jaina continued, ignoring his comment, “She wanted to know if you were eating well and getting enough sleep.”

Jag winced. “I hope you weren’t honest with her.”

“Nope,” Jaina shook her head, “She knows the truth. Don’t be surprised if she shows up at the embassy with a freshly cooked meal and a lullaby.”

“I wouldn’t mind that, actually.”

“Your family is lovely,” Jaina said softly, “Much nicer than I’d expected.”

“They weren’t really nice to you.”

“Maybe not at first. But I’m glad that they’re protective over you,” Jaina admitted.

Jag’s hands moved to cup her face. He looked at her for a few moments, amazed that he could just be like this with her. Jaina Solo was the love of his life, and he didn’t want to have to live without her. It amazed him that she loved him too, and even more amazing that she wanted to be with him. In her eyes, he saw his future. In her eyes, he saw his hope.

“Thank you,” he said simply.

Jaina looked disappointed. She expected something grander from him after he just stared her down so intensely. “You’re welcome.”

He smiled, that half smile that she confessed to loving all those years ago, before he finally leaned forward to press the gentlest kiss on to her lips.

She sighed into the kiss, relaxing fully against him as he pulled her impossibly closer. He loved this woman, more than anything else in the world. Opening up to her and allowing her to see the real him had led to this day. It had led to this newfound peace.

He wasn’t completely cured, he knew, he wasn’t so naïve to think one meeting with his estranged family would instantly fix him. But he had hope he didn’t have before. It was motivation to complete the healing process.

Perhaps he would never sleep a full night again, or he’d keep forgetting to take his meals on time. Maybe he’d continue to recoil from the people who cared about him while keeping up his impassive front.

One thing he knew for sure, was that he’d live that life everyday for a long, long time as long as he had her by his side.

-

Depending on the region, flowers meant different things to different kinds of people. For humans, a rose universally symbolised love of different kinds, depending on the colour, petal and again the location.

Jag never worried about gifts when it came to Jaina. She didn’t want anything from him but his love, but she always appreciated anything he’d given to her. So when he’d thought of getting her flowers, he wanted to make it as meaningful as possible.

His love for her ran as deep as the red of a rose, as passionate as an orange petal and was as pure as that of a white. A mixed bouquet, though, often indicated a confusion of feelings- and Jag was not at all confused about how he felt for her. Not anymore.

He looked down at the small bouquet he’d just bought. The soft pink roses he’d chosen had slender petals that he hoped conveyed the meaning he intended. Jag actually chuckled to himself at the thought. Jaina probably knew nothing about flowers or gardening.

“Ooh, is this a guessing game?” Jaina’s voice surprised him. He didn’t hear her come into his office or hear her move onto the balcony that he was currently looking out from. As always, she always seemed to answer what he was saying in his mind.

“Are you sure you can’t read minds?” Jag asked with a teasing smile as he turned to face her. She was in her usual Jedi garb, she wasn’t the type to run and change into something nice just because her boyfriend called. It was one of the things he loved about her.

Jaina pretended to think about it. “Nah. Why do you always ask me that?”

He shrugged. “You just always seem to answer my questions.”

Jaina’s eyes were fixed on the bouquet in his left hand. “I told you, you think so loudly.”

Jag raised a brow, “So you do hear me?”

“Not literally,” Jaina rolled her eyes. “I just know you that well.”

Jag hummed. “I won’t disagree. So, what do you think it means?”

“The flowers?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm,” Jaina thought about it. “Love?”

Shaking his head, Jag said. “Too easy. Roses mean love for everyone. You need to be more specific.”

She scowled at him. “How am I supposed to know that?”

“Just guess,” Jag laughed lightly.

With her arms crossed over her chest, Jaina grudgingly obliged, “You love me very much?”

“I do, but incorrect.”

“Passion! You think I’m hot,” Jaina looked satisfied with herself. Jag frowned.

“Jaina, it’s pink.”

She pouted. “Tell me.”

He shook his head. “I can’t believe you’ve given up already.”

Jaina looped her arm around his free one. “I know where my strengths lie.”

He gave her a soft kiss to the cheek. “It means first love.”

Jaina looked a bit confused. “Why, first love?”

“That’s a rather stupid question. Because you’re my first love. And my last.”

She looked up at him with shining eyes, with a world of adoration that she had for only him. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.”

“Nothing, really. I don’t think there’s anything we do in this life to deserve love. But I’m glad that we have each other.”

“I mean it, Jag. After everything I’m lucky to be here with you now,” Jaina said.

“I think I’m the lucky one,” Jag retorted, “So, we’ll have to agree to disagree.”

He stepped back to present the bouquet to her properly. Jaina smiled warmly as she accepted them, moving them to her face to smell the flowers. Jag didn’t miss the way her face screwed up when she inhaled the sweet smell- along with some pollen.

Jag tried to contain his laughter as she started to cough. Jaina glared at him as she got herself together again. “Are you trying to kill me?”

He finally let himself laugh aloud. “No, no. Maybe don’t sniff them that hard.”

She lightened up at the sound of his voice. She raised the bouquet to her face again, this time she wasmore gentle with her assessment of it, “Thank you Jag.”

Jag’s hands suddenly became sweaty as he remembered what he’d called her over to say. She sensed his conflict and quickly turned her attention back to him, silently asking him what was wrong.

Jag took her by the arms, pulling her close to him with the flowers flush between them. Taking a deep breath, Jag quickly said, “Would you ever consider marrying me one day?”

Jaina’s eyes widened at first, and Jag thought he’d said something wrong. But then her eyes settled into a warm gaze, and her mouth spread into a wide grin.

“Jagged Fel, are you proposing?”

He knew he was flushing, but for the first time he didn’t feel the embarrassment that usually accompanied it. “No…I just want to know what you think of the possibility.”

She pretended to think about it. “That’s a little disappointing. I was looking forward to having a ring on my finger.”

Jag’s face lit up into a smile. “That’s a yes, then.”

“Jag, if we both didn’t think we’d spend the rest of our lives together, what are we even doing?”

“I suppose you’re right,” Jag continued to smile down at her. It was like looking right into the face of the sun, full of warmth and love that kept you alive.

Jaina turned to look out at the sunset behind them. “Mrs. Fel, eh? Can’t say I don’t like the sound of that.”

He liked the sound of that. Why have one Mrs. Fel in this galaxy when there could be two? His mother surely wouldn’t mind. He hadn’t been able to see them since their visit months ago, but he’d exchanged enough highly encrypted messages with them to know that they were on their way to becoming a true family again. They’d even asked when they could see Jaina again.

He made an exaggerated sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I can scrap the speech to convince you that taking my name is the way to go.”

She fixed him a signature Solo scowl. “Don’t make me change my mind.”

Jag motioned like he was closing a zipper over his mouth. They both shared a warm laugh at that, more about their comfort and growth as a couple than anything funny.

He hugged her from behind as they watched Coruscant’s sun sink below the horizon, Jaina maintaining a tight grip on the flowers she was grateful to have been gifted. In that moment, and many more to come, Jag was the happiest man in the world.

Truly, this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Er, time to go finish my mammoth of a fic. Hope ya'll enjoyed ✌️


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